So I have never really ever spoken to anyone about this properly including close friends & family, so bear with me if it’s a bit gobbledygook. It’s a personal subject, a very personal subject. It’s not something I can easily explain because I don’t know why, I don’t know why I felt the way I did, so the only way I can do this is by telling you how I felt at the time.
Depression. It’s a word that is used very often when people describe how they are feeling yet it is a word that is still somewhat a taboo. People suffer from depression more than you realise, it’s just that you can’t physicall see it & we don’t talk about it, it feels embarrassing. I do get annoyed when people use the word yet don’t really know how it feels, if only they knew.
The past week for some reason I can’t seem to escape from this word; so instead of running for once I have decided to embrace it & share my experience, in hope that if even just once person reads this it helps them to carry on or atleast raise awareness. I was 19, I had my whole life in front of me. Completed my first year of university & I was doing so well. I loved it, the course, the life, my friends, everything. I went back into my second year and the only way I can describe it was like something snapped inside of me and I was lost. What did I have to be depressed about?
I, like so many others, began on a path on self-destruction. I drank…..alot, probably more than I have ever admitted. I turned into a bitch, I was horrible to people and to this day I’m still not sure why, it’s just not me.
I lost all motivation and I still struggle with this now. I just couldn’t muster the energy to do my work, I knew what to do but instead I just sat and stared into a blank screen for hours and hours, so I gave up & never got my degree. I couldn’t eat, eating a biscuit was a struggle and often found that one bite was too much hard work so I gave up. The thought of stepping outside the front door daunted me so much that I just didn’t. I was alone, completely in this world of nothingness so for a while I gave up.
I cried….all the time. I often found myself avoiding people because I couldn’t physically speak all I could do was just cry. I was embarrassed with myself, I had no reason to feel this way yet I did so I became a liar an extremely good one at that. I lied about the littlest of things. If someone asked me how I was I said I’m ok & just like that they believed me. I lied and I hid.
I thought about dying quite a lot, its makes me cringe that I once thought this way. I just didn’t feel like I had a purpose I just didn’t get why on earth I was here I was nothing to no-one. Simple. But as much as I thought about it I could never actually bring myself to do it, I was too sacred so I just cried, more.
Can you see the pattern here? I gave up, alot. My whole experience of depression was really a complete blur and I can’t fully remember everything from that time, I just know that back then I gave up on me. But one day I decided to give myself another chance and here I am.
I can’t give you any reasoning to why I was depressed it just doesn’t always work like that. I can’t give you any answers, say that this and that will help you feel better because it won’t. The only person that got me out of this was ME and me alone. I’m not the person I was before this and I doubt I ever will be, but I’m still here and I’m living my life and don’t want to waste another second of it. I still really struggle at times and can feel myself slipping back into my old ways but I know that no matter what I’m going to get through because I have before.
Back then I didn’t have anyone to talk to at the time, my friends didn’t truly understand no matter how much they think & said they did. And although members of my family had also suffered with this illness I just could never find myself able to open up.
No-one will truly ever know unless you have experienced this yourself. If there is just one thing I want to pass on is that you’re not alone and you will get to the other side. If you feel like this I’m here whether you know me or not I’m here and I will listen and I will understand.